Things Unspoken

My mom always told me you have to pick your battles, but how do you know which ones to pick? What makes something worth the fight? I feel like I’m in a lose/lose situation here. He wants to just move forward, have lower expectations, try not to talk about the past or things that happen when we aren’t physically together. I feel like I’m being punished. I’m being told what I can and can’t talk about because I can’t be trusted to tell the truth. He said things like “We tried. It didn’t work.” and “the old stuff didn’t work for you.” What he’s really saying is that I can’t be honest. I appreciate that he’s doing what he thinks needs to be done so we can be together, but I’m angry. It’s basically him still accusing me of lying about the issue before. I can’t just let it go and let him think that’s true, it feels like I’m admitting guilt. I can already feel the resentment it’s building in me. I hope I can figure out a way for us to discuss this that doesn’t start a fight and destroy us.

I need to be better at asking questions. I’ve always just assumed people would tell me things when they wanted to or felt comfortable doing so. I think even some of it is not believing that people want to keep talking to me. I was in a relationship for 12 years and neither of us really asked follow-up questions. We just told each other things. I guess I expect everyone else to be that way too. I do make an effort, but I have to try harder.

Not one of my relationships is going well. I feel like I’ve failed at everything. The depression is overwhelming and I think I’ve been refusing to acknowledge how bad it is. It really hit me last night that I should have moved a long time ago to be with him. I honestly believe we’d be the couple we dreamed of being if I had done it. I just wish I had realized this before. He’s taken me moving there off the table, he can’t trust I’ll do it and won’t be able to handle me backing out. Another thing I can’t be trusted with. Another thing I’ve fucked up. He’s taken it off the table when I realize it’s what I should have done a long time ago and would be best for us. Sleeping is the only time there isn’t pain, heartache, and sadness.

If Nothing Changes, Then Nothing Changes

I stayed the whole weekend with him. My family isn’t happy with me. My roommates won’t be either once I tell them. They are exhausted from my roller-coaster of emotions. I know my family was excited and hopeful they would see me, but I also think they knew once I saw him there was little chance of me coming home. I texted that I was going to have dinner with him and my mom and I haven’t talked since then. I texted my sister the next day and she gave me quick one word answers. Do you hate me? “No.” Are you mad at me? “No.” I’m going home in three weeks to surprise my mom for her birthday and I hope things are smoothed over by then, or at least that smooths them over.

I know their issue is that this has been 15 months of the same cycle. They wanted me to be strong enough to not go. To stop the cycle. Not necessarily stop seeing him forever, but just for something to change. I’m worried about the same thing. Did going make me seem weak? Did it make him think he can say the things he said and I’ll always forgive him? I suppose he has no reason not to think those things. Plus, he still thinks I lied. Everything is a mess and I feel very alone and confused.

We had a great weekend. Just stayed in and enjoyed each other. We didn’t talk about our problems or why we’re fighting. There was distance though and I know he felt it. He even mentioned it and I told him I just felt cautious. It’s true. I don’t know what going there meant. I don’t know where it leaves us. I don’t trust that he won’t hurt me again. My family and friends are upset with me and I guess I don’t trust who I can share my feelings with, or if there even is someone I can share my feelings with. Hell, I don’t know what I feel beyond extreme love for him, and anxiety about the whole situation. It’s been 15 months and it’s time to shit or get off the pot. The problem is we’re not stable enough where I feel comfortable moving, yet I can’t give him up. I know he’s what I want. He’s my future. I’m too tired and sad to figure this out right now.

Decisions

This is our cycle. We fight and then at the last minute we save ourselves because neither of us can turn down an opportunity to see each other. So now we are talking calmly, cautiously, because we both know I fly in tomorrow. I have never been more torn about what to do. Both my mom and sister are expecting me tomorrow and if I don’t go I let them down. If I do go I’m terrified we start our cycle all over again. I’m terrified seeing him sends a message that I’m okay with this cycle. I just don’t know how I’m going to be in the city and not see him, and if I do see him I know I’ll end up staying. I’m not strong enough to stay away from him. I don’t know why I’m even pretending that there is a decision to make. I know I can’t stay away from him.

I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know how he has this control over me. Somehow I’m always the one begging to stay together.

To be continued I guess…

 

Silence

It’s been over 24 hours since we’ve talked. This is extremely rare for us, even when we breakup. We both use Google Hangouts at work so we can talk throughout the day. I signed on yesterday afternoon, but neither of us said anything.

I have a plane ticket to go see him in two days. We often have fights/breakups right before I go there, but there is always a last minute reconciliation. I keep hoping for that, but I think too many mean words and accusations have been said this time. He lives 5 hours from my family, so my backup plan is to rent a car and go see them. I keep having this fantasy that he’s waiting for me at the airport. He’ll have realized I was telling the truth and say he’ll do anything to make up for all the hurtful things he’s said. This is a fantasy though. He will never admit he was wrong, especially now. If he did, he’d have to face the fact that he’s tortured me (and himself) for nothing. Instead he’s going to keep making up excuses and telling himself lies so he doesn’t have to trust anyone or admit he’s wrong. I know that after this weekend he’ll say if I had wanted to be with him I would have gone to his house, I would have showed up like we planned. What he doesn’t realize is that I can’t go there if he still believes I’m lying. For weeks he has said the most hurtful things he can think of, things that I don’t know if I can ever get over. He wants me to fix us, he’s the victim, but I told the truth and had the person I love say the meanest things I’ve ever heard to me. We are at a standstill and there is no end in sight.

As if getting your heart ripped out isn’t bad enough, all you can think about are the good times. The kisses on the back of your neck, cuddling on the couch, the inside jokes, the way he looks at you, the way he feels against you, the sex. God, the sex. I’m convinced no two people have ever fit together so perfectly. Every second of it was ecstasy. There is not one thing that could have been better. Everything about it was the best there has ever been. I can’t imagine ever being with someone else. I have a very high sex drive normally, but now? Nothing. No interest at all.

Now I check my phone in case he texted or e-mailed, I go back and forth about whether to log onto Hangouts or not, and I watch the clock waiting for the day to be over so I can go home and go to bed.

It Starts With Heartbreak

I need something new. Something no one else knows about. I shared my secrets with him, he knew me better than anyone ever has and now that we’re over I need something of my own again. He knows my secrets, my feelings, my beliefs, my soul, and now those things are off somewhere in the world with him. So I need something that is just mine.

I guess the official date it ended was March 25, but we’ve been fighting over who wronged who and who hurts more almost everyday since then. Both of us yelling over each other trying to be heard and understood. We can’t stop. We’ve been doing this for over 15 months. What it comes down to is trust. Doesn’t it always? Neither of us fully trusted the other. I broke the trust we were building in the very beginning because I didn’t trust him. From then on it was mistrust, lies, and fighting. That’s not to say there weren’t happy times. Actually, the happiest times of my life were with him. The safest I’ve ever felt was with him. I have never felt more loved than when I was with him. But we live across the country from each other and you need trust for that to work out.

The reason we have ended is because he believes I lied about something I haven’t lied about. It’s something that can’t be proved and takes him giving me the benefit of the doubt, but he’s incapable of that. So we end in a way that will never bring closure. Not that there would ever be closure with him. He’s “the one.” I’m both obsessed and addicted to him. The love between us is stronger than I can put into words. My future was him. Everyday was daydreams about things we’d do, places we’d go, and how we’d love each other. Now there is mainly panic and sadness. Throughout the day there are moments where I can’t catch my breath and my chest hurts because of the fear that we are really over, I’ve lost the love of my life.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. I’m lost. I’m hoping that writing it down will help me figure it out.